As Jacob starts his own family, his experience is unfortunately filled with conflict, tension and pain.
Jacob, our third patriarch, works seven years to marry his beloved, beautiful Rachel, but this time the trickster gets tricked himself. Laban, his father in law, switches the brides on their wedding day so that his older daughter, Leah, can have the honor of being married first.
Leah's honor may be preserved, yet her heart is in jeopardy of being broken. The Torah explicitly informs us that she does not feel loved by Jacob, who harbors deep affection for Rachel.
The names of Leah's first three sons capture this sad situation. Her firstborn, Reuven, gets his name because Leah feels that "God saw my affliction, for now my husband will love me." (Genesis 29:32) She calls her next son Shimon, because "God heard that I am unloved." (Genesis 29:33) Finally, Levi's name is almost a prayer: "This time my husband will become attached to me for I have borne him three sons..." (Genesis 29:34) Each name is stained with pain, and bespeaks a yearning for marital love and affection.
While Leah is our first matriarch who has no trouble having children, her struggles are with her husband and their marriage. Rabbi Samson Raphael Hirsch suggests: "For the names which this less-loved wife gave to her sons shows us how, just in the feeling of being at first set back she was all the more deeply in love with her husband."
What is most painful in this biblical story is the sense that Leah wants children in order to save her marriage. According to Dr. Alan Singer, this is a problematic and risky course of action. In his book, Creating Your Perfect Family Size, he writes: "Having a child does not repair problematic marriages and does not increase marital satisfaction." (Pg. 3)
Jacob, our third patriarch, works seven years to marry his beloved, beautiful Rachel, but this time the trickster gets tricked himself. Laban, his father in law, switches the brides on their wedding day so that his older daughter, Leah, can have the honor of being married first.
Leah's honor may be preserved, yet her heart is in jeopardy of being broken. The Torah explicitly informs us that she does not feel loved by Jacob, who harbors deep affection for Rachel.
The names of Leah's first three sons capture this sad situation. Her firstborn, Reuven, gets his name because Leah feels that "God saw my affliction, for now my husband will love me." (Genesis 29:32) She calls her next son Shimon, because "God heard that I am unloved." (Genesis 29:33) Finally, Levi's name is almost a prayer: "This time my husband will become attached to me for I have borne him three sons..." (Genesis 29:34) Each name is stained with pain, and bespeaks a yearning for marital love and affection.
While Leah is our first matriarch who has no trouble having children, her struggles are with her husband and their marriage. Rabbi Samson Raphael Hirsch suggests: "For the names which this less-loved wife gave to her sons shows us how, just in the feeling of being at first set back she was all the more deeply in love with her husband."
What is most painful in this biblical story is the sense that Leah wants children in order to save her marriage. According to Dr. Alan Singer, this is a problematic and risky course of action. In his book, Creating Your Perfect Family Size, he writes: "Having a child does not repair problematic marriages and does not increase marital satisfaction." (Pg. 3)
This excellent and timely book integrates relevant contemporary research, self assessments and pertinent
anecdotes from Dr. Singer's 30 years as a family therapist. Regarding the title, he asserts that there is no such thing as a perfect size for a family. Rather, the "ideal" size comes from spouses thinking deeply about their needs, resources and the strength of their
marital partnership. While the names of their other children suggest that Leah and Jacob are eventually blessed with a strong marriage, their experience, however, is not typical of some couples today.
Dr. Singer explains that "the arrival of a new baby is usually a moment of euphoria for parents - so much happiness doesn't seem possible. Yet some research has shown that marital happiness decreases with the arrival of each child." (Pg. 53) This recent research, along with the growing number of divorces each year in America, motivated him to write this book, which is as much a resource for couples considering having more children as it is a tool for them to strengthen their marriage.
These timely insights into family size helps us better understand the pain, passion
and purpose of our ancestors, especially Leah. Our matriarch's heroic efforts to create a strong, loving marriage with Jacob are the cornerstone of their family and, ultimately, Israel's future.
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