The Perfect Family Size? A Biblical Perspective

As Jacob starts his own family, his experience is unfortunately filled with conflict, tension and pain.

Jacob, our third patriarch, works seven years to marry his beloved, beautiful Rachel, but this time the trickster gets tricked himself. Laban, his father in law, switches the brides on their wedding day so that his older daughter, Leah, can have the honor of being married first.  

Leah's honor may be preserved, yet her heart is in jeopardy of being broken. The Torah explicitly informs us that she does not feel loved by Jacob, who harbors deep affection for  Rachel.

The names of Leah's first three sons capture this sad situation. Her firstborn, Reuven, gets his name because Leah feels that "God saw my affliction, for now my husband will love me." (Genesis 29:32) She calls her next son Shimon, because "God heard that I am unloved." (Genesis 29:33) Finally, Levi's name is almost a prayer: "This time my husband will become attached to me for I have borne him three sons..." (Genesis 29:34)  Each name is stained with pain, and bespeaks a yearning for marital love and affection. 

While Leah is our first matriarch who has no trouble having children, her struggles are with her husband and their marriage. Rabbi Samson Raphael Hirsch suggests: "For the names which this less-loved wife gave to her sons shows us how, just in the feeling of being at first set back she was all the more deeply in love with her husband."

What is most painful in this biblical story is the sense that Leah wants children in order to save her marriage. According to Dr. Alan Singer, this is a problematic and risky course of action. In his book, Creating Your Perfect Family Size, he writes: "Having a child does not repair problematic marriages and does not increase marital satisfaction." (Pg. 3)

This excellent and timely book integrates relevant contemporary research, self assessments and pertinent anecdotes from Dr. Singer's 30 years as a family therapist. Regarding the title, he asserts that there is no such thing as a perfect size for a family. Rather, the "ideal" size comes from spouses thinking deeply about their needs, resources and the strength of their marital partnership.  

While the names of their other children suggest that Leah and Jacob are eventually blessed with a strong marriage, their experience, however, is not typical of some couples today.

Dr. Singer explains that "the arrival of a new baby is usually a moment of euphoria for parents - so much happiness doesn't seem possible. Yet some research has shown that marital happiness decreases with the arrival of each child." (Pg. 53) This recent research, along with the growing number of divorces each year in America, motivated him to write this book, which is as much a resource for couples considering having more children as it is a tool for them to strengthen their marriage.

These timely insights into family size helps us better understand the pain, passion and purpose of our ancestors, especially Leah. Our matriarch's heroic efforts to create a strong, loving marriage with Jacob are the cornerstone of their family and, ultimately, Israel's future. 

An Open Letter to Rabbi Michael Siegel on 30 Years of Service

November 16, 2012/ 2 Kislev, 5773

Rabbi Michael Siegel
Anshe Emet Synagogue
3751 N. Broadway
Chicago, IL 6013

Dear Michael,

Mazel tov on your thirty years of distinguished service as rabbi of the historic Anshe Emet Synagogue in Chicago. It was a pleasure and honor to have worked with you as a member of the clergy team from 1996-2001.

As the spiritual leader at Anshe Emet, you have not only built upon the foundation created by such luminaries as Rabbis Solomon Goldman, Ira Eisenstadt and Seymour Cohen, but you have also raised the kehilla (sacred congregation) to new heights. You have created a dynamic, forward-thinking kehilla that values community, embraces learning and fosters innovation.

I regret that I will not be able to celebrate with you this Shabbat. This Sunday I am the keynote speaker at the biennial conference of the Northeast District of United Synagogue. The topic of this conference is "Sacred Strategies – The Journey from Functional to VisionarySynagogues".  Our sessions are based around Sacred Strategies, written by Isa Aron, Steven Cohen, Lawrence Hoffman and Ari Kelman. The book offers a helpful framework for thinking about synagogue vitality and change.

The authors identified six characteristics that enable and empower congregations to make the journey from functional to visionary. They are as follows:

·         Sacred Purpose: A shared vision informs all aspects of the congregation.

·         Holistic Ethos: All parts of the kehilla work in partnership with one another, so the whole is greater than the sum of its parts.

·         Participatory Culture: Families, leaders, professionals and clergy all work together in the sacred enterprise of creating their community.

·         Meaningful Engagement - The congregation provides worthwhile, ongoing experiences that infuse their members’ lives with meaning.

·         Innovation Disposition – Leadership is open to new ideas and views possible failure as an opportunity for growth.

·         Reflective Leadership – Visionary congregations frequently discuss alignment to their mission, use data to evaluate their impact, and make planning a fixture of their leadership culture.

Sacred Strategies not only describes how several congregations across North America successfully challenged themselves to become transformational centers of Jewish life, but also outlines how others can follow the same path.

My remarks for this upcoming United Synagogue conference are in many ways influenced by my years working with you at Anshe Emet. At your twentieth anniversary celebration in 2003, you shared these thoughts:

Rabbi, Teacher, Preacher: were the words found on the diploma I received from the Seminary.  But their deeper meaning:

·         Rabbi as a religious presence

·         Teacher, as a shaper of Jewish souls

·         Preacher: a vocal leader in the Jewish community

These definitions I learned here at Anshe Emet.

Your JTS diploma is missing one other significant title that describes you, namely visionary. Vision comes naturally to you and this essential leadership quality has not only defined your rabbinate, but also serves as an inspiration for all those whose lives you have touched.

In every generation, there have not only been teachers and leaders, but institutions and synagogues that provide guidance and leadership to the Jewish community.  Anshe Emet Synagogue represents one of the most dynamic and vibrant synagogues in Chicagoland, North America and the entire Jewish world.

It was Anshe Emet’s almost legendary past, as well as its unending potential, that attracted me to the synagogue from the moment I met you 16 years ago. Your vision for what a Jewish community can be through education, strategic partnerships, and family engagement was then, and remains today, on the cutting edge of American Jewry. I am indebted to you not only for training and mentoring me in the pulpit, but also for empowering me to actualize my own vision within certain key areas of Anshe Emet, particularly youth and outreach. On a personal note, the many hours we spent together forged a strong friendship that I cherish.

The visionary congregation you lead, Michael, deeply inspires me and is a model for others to emulate. In light of this, both you and Anshe Emet will be in my thoughts on Sunday as I present at the “Sacred Strategies” conference.

Again, I congratulate you on reaching this milestone and wish you continued success in your sacred work with your congregation. Under your leadership I am confident that Anshe Emet will continue to be a visionary congregation and a beacon of Jewish commitment and innovation for the larger Jewish community.

Mazel Tov,
Charlie
 
Rabbi Charles E.  Savenor
USCJ Director of Kehilla Enrichment